it's not for lack of trying boss

I'm quitting this thing.

I went to Bang Gang at Arq on Friday night. I have this problem where I can go from being quite drunk to straight faced sober in a matter of seconds - what sucks is that I can't choose when. I snapped out of a drunken haze around 2am and began to realise how loud the music was and how the whole place stank like vomit and bad breath. I planted myself at the bottom of the stairwell and stood there for a while staring at my shoes, wondering if they matched my outfit. People look terrible when they're drunk - how do people pick up when they're all sweaty, blotchy, swollen and incoherent like that. Where's the class? Where's the romance?

I eventually went to the bathroom for some peace and quiet, to rethink my life. As I vigurously washed my hands, a couple burst out of one of the cubicles, giggling, doing up their pants. Her makeup was all smeared and her mouth was covered with the guy's saliva, while his face was blotchy and red like a 6 year old in a jumping castle. The cubicle they were stamping around in had an inch thick puddle of piss and beer that you could smell from a mile away. They both 'scored' that night. In their minds they probably thought they were in George Michael video. In my mind I just thought "Is this as good as it gets?"

You buy expensive jeans and get expensive haircuts, work a shit job that you hate, so you can go out on weekends and get shitfaced on pills and bourbon and cokes - chainsmoke - and make out with strangers in clubs - and then on monday vow to quit smoking or at least cut down - and wonder why your so depressed after your serotonin levels got flushed away.

I know I know - I'm just going to the wrong places....

I'm sure that there are cooler places where you can sit around on shag carpet lounges with bright lights listening to madeline peyroux cover elliot smith and drink champagne while the projector plays clips from french film noir in sync with the music - and on the table next to you a doberman, chihuahua, and a rottweiler are playing poker while discussing the latest Interpol album.

When I got home that night I passed out as soon as I got to my bed, and by pass out I mean really pass out, like the first time I got stoned (too stoned) and passed out on the front steps of the dealer's house. It reminded me of those etchings I made about the sensation of airlessness you get when you get knocked out or faint, so airless that you're sleeping with your head off the bed and wake up with a migraine.

In the week that I've been back, I haven't been able to have a conversation with someone without them stepping on my toes at least once. I don't think that I'm that conservative a person but seriously - why do people have to write off chopsticks or asian people being short or printmaking or any art that isn't video or performance like ALL THE FUCKING TIME ??? Or is it just a coincidence that I happen to be the perfect blend of these artistic/ethnic minorities? God, like where do people getting off being so arrogant when their work is so shit?? It'd be nice to hear a bit of modesty in a video artist's voice at least once.

My shift starts in four hours - and its only a four hour shift - not long enough to be excruciating but too short to even get out of bed for. God, Sunday, I wonder what I'll accomplish today....maybe I'll finish another pack of Tim Tams or boil an egg or something.

Ok so I just watched the greatest movie of all time. Ezydvd are sellingit for $9.92 (less for me of course because I work there) you shouldall pick it up, even if you don't like it you can just have it playing on a projector at parties to some nu rave or house music or whatever crap kids listen to these days.

In other news, these should be illegal:



'Love Potion' Choc Mud Tim Tams

This started it all.

Sometimes its fun to compare being a visual artist with being a musician because you worry about shit like 2nd album jitters and thinking of new material - and galleries are kind of like record companies except not as big - but they still try to own you and screw you over. When you really think about it though - being a musician would be a million times cooler. Probably because its really youth oriented and so you make the covers of magazines and shit and people want to interview you and want to hang out with you. Whereas the high art fans are the more conservative crowd - and even if young kids love your shit they can't afford it - and the people who can afford it don't get it and you don't want them to anyway.

I almost forgot how much of an uninspiring cultural wasteland Australia can be. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be back, I mean, this cold weather is amazing - but there was so much more going on in Tokyo and Bangkok. The kids all had their shit going on.

I'm really good at making up excuses as to why I'm not making any new work. Can you tell? Maybe if I diverted some of that energy into actually doing something productive I could get more notoriety, maybe even have an exhibition (one day), make all my money back and return to Tokyo.

My old work is too old to put in a show now. Since when was making new work such a draaaaaaaaaaag I thought artists were supposed to be coming upw ith new shit all the time. "I am always writing songs, either for the band or just for myself, its a process that just comes to me" Bah! Drawing still sux0rz. I rely on photos too much.

I don't know what happened to my computer since I've been gone but its seriously on the fritz. Its in its dying days. It takes forever to load anything and I'm afraid to turn it off because the last two times I turned it on I had to give it CPR to revive it. Maybe it is dying from the cold?

I want a new computer. I'm thinking of buying a 20" imac but it'll cost me around $3000 to get all the specs I want.

I should have spared $3000 from my insane overseas budget to spend on an imac. I don't know why I didn't think of that two months ago. I had absolutely no bearings while I was overseas - it felt like I was sleepwalking the whole time. I'm still disturbed at the amount of money I spent because I don't even remember using that much. I guess I did go shopping every single day.

Things I am dreading:

1. doing that travel insurance claim
2. doing my tax (because they'll probably make me pay heaps)
3. organising all my reciepts from japan
4. getting my artwork framed in time for that expo i might be in (i got no moneyz dude)
5. coming up with new work so i can have a solo show with my old work because my old shit is way stale now
6. talking to that design firm about that contract

I'm over drawing. I want to get into photography - but that is even way harder. All the images I'd want to make would be all David Lachapelle style anyway and props cost a shitload and then what do you do with them once you are done? It just sounds so expensive. Maybe I will have to start applying for grants just to get work made.

I need to move on from screenprints - because I can't make them anymore. Its a silly situation. What to do next?

It is so cold I am afraid I might die from it. It reminds me of this one winter where it was just me and my dad and the hot water stopped working and so we had to have cold showers. I don't know why we didn't get it fixed sooner, but we had cold showers for nearly a week. It was kind of fun and intense but looking back I'd never want to do that again. Cold showers in winter are shit.

Relax! I'm back!

Observations: The weather is way too cold in Sydney. After two months of no sniffling or sneezing abroad on warmer shores - I immediately caught a cold this morning when I got back.

Also it seems like the cold has made everybody depressed.

I'd chase summer across the continents so that I'd never have to sneeze again but alas I spent ALL my money. I don't even know how I did it - most amazing magic trick ever?

With nights this fucking cold its no wonder I never get around to sleeping. I spend all night shivering, and when I'm done with shivering I get up to eat something just to put me to sleep. I can't do layers. The more layers I wear the more uncomfortable I get. I become a mess of rags shuffling about like a caterpillar shedding something - it always feels slimy. I'm not into putting kevlar over kevlar. I'm a force field generator kind of man.

What happened to that nap I was meant to take at 6pm? I was looking forward to it all day. After an hour's sleep I just wasn't myself for the rest of the day. I woke up in another universe where I spoke different and my boss talked to me a lot about my Saturday night. I didn't let him know anything, because I dont' remember much myself. As soon as I got home I wanted to collapse, but I didn't, and that was my first mistake.

I just kept pushing on, so I could finish this or finish that. Around 10pm I was tired again, but then I had to do that drawing. It looks like that may have been the last bus to sleepytown and I will probably have to walk. By the time I get there its going to be closed, I'll have to wait outside.

My room looks like a crime scene. There are toppled over baskets and paper and reciepts and pants lying around everywhere. I can't sleep here.

I have a feeling I'm going to get stiffed for this gig. It is keeping me awake.

I've been off medication for a couple of weeks now and my face is going back to looking like shit. I think I'm addicted to these complex chemicals.

There's nothing worse than waiting around to get paid. I got a call back from Artslaw today and they told me that there wasn't much I could do about the situation with the wine labels without a contract agreement. All I needed was an agreement in writing that they would pay me upon a certain date for completing a job. Simple enough you say - but simple enough to completely miss it!!!

In other news, to distract myself from my financial woes, I drew this for an exhibition of customised plushie toys coming up. I don't know when it will be on exactly, all I know is that I will be overseas when it is on. I also don't know where it will be. This is starting to become the story of my life.



I bet you noticed my new little watermark. Apparently, even though everything you make in Australia is automatically under copyright, and proving it is easy - getting to court is ultra hard. It can't be settled in local court, you have to go federal and hire a lawyer and pay a fee to start a case and all this other bullshit. It is frightening and costs more money than its worth.

I would have woken up to go to work in an hour had I been a normal person.

Because I'm whack I might sit around for an hour and look out the window talking about feelings until I get back in sync with James.

Together we will be unstoppable.

My neck is hurt from Alexisonfire. I can't look sideways or up and down. I can only focus on forward - THE FUTURE

I passed out at around 8 and woke up again at midnight. Now I'm up doing this interview for THEME Magazine, which is a huge deal for me because it is based in New York and New York is a city of mythical proportions that I would really like to visit (on my way to Mexico) Maybe in November, if I ever end up getting paid for this wine gig.

Its taking a lot longer than I had expected. Its clocking nearly four hours now. I'm trying to think the answers through so I sound really smart and not just like some dumb 22 year old fashionista who just lives for getting drunk on weekends and expensive denim jeans.

My teeth are beginning to frighten me. I've given myself about five ulcers in the past fortnight. Three are from my left canines and two are from my razor sharp molars. I'm scared of eating because I always end up biting myself, my teeth have a mind of their own.

I don't have a lot of money to spend in Japan. My accomodation is a bit crazy. I desperately need to get paid for this gig soon or else I won't be able to stock up on UNICLO and get a DLSR and other shit I don't need.

The problem with relying on staying up to do things is that you end up being shit at planning things in normal time.

I spent most of the day with Jeff planning our itinerary for Japan.

Since Jeff would only be there for two weeks, we had to plan something to do rather than just 'hanging out'. For the next three weeks I would be with my sister 'hanging out' in Tokyo buying shoes and taking photos.

We will spend a week using the JR unlimited rail pass touring hot springs and then once that runs out, settle down in Tokyo and do some hard drinking and performance art. I am taking my skeleton costume, there will be a Brian Ferry/Nelly Furtado soundtrack, stay tuned.

We played around with his new HD camera today, the skin softening feature works really well, we looked hot - it's gonna be killer ( we might need to carry around some powder foundation).

In other news, I am thinking whether or not to get a Myspace. On the one hand I could finally be as awesome as vagrantkid, and have somewhere to post all the glamour shotz of me in various public restrooms etc. But I want to keep my livejournal totally confidential. Do these things have anything to do with each other?? Plus, then I would have three blogs, and to be quite honest, my life isn't all that interesting (I am mostly asleep).

EXTRA CHEEESE tomorrow! I will be the one sauntering about, pouting, wearing black, fanning myself with $100 banknotes.

Three E's! quaintsaint is illiterate!

I laugh uncontrollably when it comes to this kind of humour, I don't know why

http://www.boingboing.net/2007/05/21/funny_nongriefer_cra.html

no sleep last night
sneezing all day at work
came home and ate too much
can't be bothered with japanese homework
i am going to bed nau

I drank too much coffee today. I think it was some vain attempt at being productive but I should have learnt by now that coffee does nothing for my productivity, it only makes me get distracted a lot easier. I've just taken some St John's Wort and am listening to Mogwai - waiting for my eyelids to get heavy so I can go to sleep. I'm either sleeping way too much or way too little.

I finally got around to watching Princess Mononoke, which was as good as everyone told me it was. I tried watching Dune but it wasn't going to happen, and probably never will, because it was a really unique kind of excruciating boringness that I would like to avoid.

The money hasn't come through on that huge illustration job I did, and it doesn't look like it will be coming in any time soon, which is the name of the game really. It was probably really naive of me to hope that I'd get the full payment before I left for Japan, even though I busted my ass off getting the work done as soon as possible, but it doesn't play that way.

Which makes me depressed because I was hoping on the payment to come through so I'd have enough money for my trip, and I also took a couple of days off work and didn't work as much as I should have so I could spend more time on the job to get it done faster so I'd get paid sooner(That's ridiculous).

Japanese class is going crap as well because I'm just not into it this time around. I haven't done any revision of last semester's stuff, which means I can't read notes in Hiragana. I really shouldn't have bitten off more than I ccould chew because now it has only meant doing everything half assed and shitty instead of getting the most out of everything. Our class has gone down from five to three, and the two other girls in class know their shit or are at least pretty into it - while I try and keeps my eyelids open in class and get my head around shit.

There are a million things I should be doing but aren't because I'm just pretty overwhelmed. I haven't even planned what I will be doing in Japan because my friend that I am going with is heaps busy and so am I and neither of us are free to meet or talk to each other at the same time. I see him maybe once every two weeks!

I can't wait to escape from my little little life with its little little issues in this little little room.

Its amazing what two hours sleep, a graduation ceremony, yum cha, test driving new model corollas, and watching Judge Dredd can do for your productivity.

I swear at 6pm I was sleepwalking I was so tired, but a deadline is a deadline and if I don't get this done in time the Domino Bros are going to come over and break my legs!!

I feel kinda like I've hit the snooze button on staying awake. I wonder if I've missed the last call - and be up all night trying to sleep again?

I was so sick this morning on the way to Japanese class that I thought I might actually miss graduation tomorrow. My head was all fucked up and the pressue in my sinuses was so high it felt like my skull was splitting apart at all the little cracks and fractures and structural weak points. My face was throbbing with pressue trying to escape.

In class, I couldn't concentrate at all. I am already the dumbest one in the class, and I don't think I learnt a single thing today on account of the throbbing.

Later on during the day it all went away, and it wasn't aroudn at work either.

And now its back!

Whats all this about????

I can't get to sleep! Graduation is TODAY!!!